Return-Path: X-Original-To: info@fathersonline.org Delivered-To: info@fathersonline.org Received: from localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id C72493FA09 for ; Sun, 7 Jan 2007 14:02:44 +1100 (EST) Received: from marlin.fishinternet.com.au ([127.0.0.1]) by localhost (marlin.fishinternet.com.au [127.0.0.1]) (amavisd-new, port 10024) with ESMTP id 05549-10 for ; Sun, 7 Jan 2007 14:02:32 +1100 (EST) Received-SPF: none (marlin.fishinternet.com.au: 203.16.214.140 is neither permitted nor denied by domain of fathersonline.org) client-ip=203.16.214.140; envelope-from=info@fathersonline.org; helo=ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net; Received: from ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net (ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net [203.16.214.140]) by marlin.fishinternet.com.au (Postfix) with ESMTP id 88CAD3FA06 for ; Sun, 7 Jan 2007 14:02:31 +1100 (EST) Received: from eth5890.nsw.adsl.internode.on.net (HELO polyglot.com.au) ([59.167.240.1]) by ipmail01.adl2.internode.on.net with ESMTP; 07 Jan 2007 13:32:27 +1030 X-IronPort-AV: i="4.13,157,1167571800"; d="scan'208,217"; a="70448186:sNHT199429048" Received: from server ([192.168.1.10]) by polyglot.com.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.1830); Sun, 7 Jan 2007 14:01:04 +1100 Thread-Topic: Wild at Heart Reply-To: Message-ID: <825b01c73208$11ebed30$0a01a8c0@polyglot.local> thread-index: AccyCBHpuuGPuMkdSiSUzq+eRKvtoA== From: To: Subject: Wild at Heart Date: Sun, 7 Jan 2007 14:01:04 +1100 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_825C_01C73264.455C6530" X-Mailer: Microsoft CDO for Exchange 2000 Content-Class: urn:content-classes:message Importance: normal Priority: normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.3790.2826 X-OriginalArrivalTime: 07 Jan 2007 03:01:04.0531 (UTC) FILETIME=[11EE5E30:01C73208] X-TM-AS-Product-Ver: SMEX-7.2.0.1122-3.6.1039-14918.000 X-TM-AS-Result: No--0.353800-5.000000-31 X-Virus-Scanned: amavisd-new at fishinternet.com.au X-NAS-BWL: Found match for 'info@fathersonline.org' on the allowed list (2136 addresses, 0 domains) X-NAS-Classification: 0 X-NAS-MessageID: 7934 X-NAS-Validation: {FF825B7A-B161-40BD-90F8-3582DAE91A1E} This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_825C_01C73264.455C6530 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Unable to read this email? Please click here Issue 228 - 1st January, 2007 Go to our website Here * Hello Alison * Grandads * Laughter * Single Dads * Special Feature * Thought of the Week * All You Need is Love * News & Info * Dad's Prayer * Help Us Hello Alison The fact that manhood is a journey is not a new concept. Ancient civilisations recognised initiation and the various stages of the masculine journey for many thousands of years. It would seem that western society suffered from a serious attack of selective amnesia during the latter part of the 20th century. Perhaps this was due to the obsession with the women's liberation movement. Perhaps it was due to our innate male passivity. The answer to the question is unclear but the good news is that the times are a-changing. Over the last few decades several writers have tackled this very important subject to bring it back into the public mindset. Patrick Arnold,'Wildmen,Warriors and Kings' (c) 1991 takes a good look at male spirituality. Also in 1991 Robert Moore wrote 'King, Warrior, Magician, Lover - Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine'. In 1990 Robert Bly published 'Iron John' which was a bestselling book about men and masculinity and became a reference point for the rapidly growing men's movement of the 90s. In 1993 Robert Hicks published 'The Masculine Journey - understanding the six stages of the masculine journey'. This book was widely promoted by the Promise Keepers in the USA. Hicks looks at the ancient Hebrew translation of the word 'man'. He comes up with six key stages: the Creational Male - adam, the Phallic Male - zakar, the Warrior - gibbon, the Wounded Male - enosh, the Mature Male - ish and the Sage - zakem. Only a few months ago John Eldridge released a sequel to his international bestseller, Wild at Heart, called 'The Way of the Wild Heart'. The liner notes tell the story well: This is a book about how a boy - and a man - becomes a man. We live in a time where most men (and boys) are essentially fatherless. Whatever their circumstance, they have no man actually taking them through the many adventures, trials, battles and experiences they need to shape a masculine heart within them. They find themselves on their own to figure life out, and that is a lonely place to be. Their fears, anger, boredom, and their many addictions, all come out of this fatherless place within them, a fundamental uncertainty in the core of their being. Let me share a couple of thoughts from this book with you so you can get your own picture. John Eldredge says: 'A boys heart is wounded in many ways. He is wounded when he does not live in a world made safe by his father, when he is not free to explore and dare and simply be a boy, when he is forced to grow up too soon. He is wounded when he does have that world, but it ends with a sudden loss of innocence. And most espectially, a boy is wounded to the core when he does not know that he is the Beloved Son. Sometimes the wounding is intentional, oftentimes it is not, but this is the story of many a boy, and many a man reading this book, living in the world we have, so far from the Garden . . . There's an old African proverb that goes like this: "I hear, I forget. I see, I remember. I do, I understand." How true this is when it comes to masculine initiation. Men, and boys, learn by doing; we learn through experience. This is no doubt true for women as well, but I can vouch that it is essential and irreplaceable for men and boys. It's one thing to be told you have what it takes. It's another thing altogether to discover that you do, through some trial brought up in an adventure, or through some test that hard work demands. The experience is both a revelation and a kind of authoring, in that it reveals to you what you are made of and writes the lesson on your heart. For masculine initiation is not a spectator sport. It is something that must be entered into. It is one part instruction and nine parts experience.' I would have to say that 'The way of the Wild Heart' is one of the most profound books I have ever read. It becomes deeper still towards the end as the book deals with the final stages of the growth of a man's heart. John Eldredge's new book 'The Way of the Wild Heart' will become a source of healing for many. Lovework Read a good book. Once we stop learning we start dying. If we expect our children to learn from us, we must be prepared to learn from others. Reading good books is a great way to learn. A great man once said 'ask, seek, knock'. Learning is knowing and knowing is growing. Let us become the change we seek. Yours for the wild at heart Warwick Marsh ___________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 31 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 25 years to 14 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself. back to top Grandads Stand at the crossroad and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. Jeremiah 6:16 NIV back to top Laughter A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow. The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn ....." The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren." back to top Single Dads Don't diss dad, its not always the case Newcastle Herald 4th Jan 07 p9 By Tony Miller AVO's and false allegations are often the first tool used by warring parties in the early days of divorce or separation to secure custody of children or to exclude contact (parenting time), or punish one parent for the failure of the relationship. Once an AVO has been issued (most often against the male), it makes it extremely difficult and complex when it comes to obtaining time with their children. In the past the AVO system has been abused and the concern now is with the new reforms to the Family Law System that AVO's will be used to circumvent any chance of dispute resolution through the new Family Relationship Centres and force people back into the Court System. The new law states expressly that protecting children from the risk of violence is a primary principle (along with the right of children to know both parents) when a court is considering the children's best interests. Family violence and child abuse cannot and should not be tolerated under any circumstance. In the new system there is now provision where if the court is satisfied that a party has knowingly made a false allegation or a false denial in the proceedings, the court must order that party to pay some or all of the costs to the other party. This enables the court to address concerns about false allegations and denials (including those about violence or abuse) made in family law cases. 'dads in distress', a support group for men experiencing the trauma of divorce, separation or relationship breakdown, abhor violence in any form. The group see's between 400-500 men weekly through their group meetings nationally. The group applauds the Governments new reforms but is tentative regards its success as far as the AVO system is concerned. It's early days and we are yet to see any substantial change. Through a recent study of our group operations in Victoria we can claim a 100% success rate of men who had AVO's against them prior to attending those 'dids' meetings and who have now not re-offended. At 'dads in distress' we realise there are some dads that shouldn't have been and believe it or not there are also some mothers that shouldn't have been. The sad reality is what divorce or separation does to our children. In his book 'Twice Adopted' the author Michael Reagan (past President Ronald Reagan's son) describes poignantly how divorce hurts kids; 'Divorce is where two adults take everything that matters to a child-the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected-and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then walk out and leave the child to clean up the mess. Why? Because we adults always look at things like divorce and remarriage through adult eyes-through the eyes of our grown up selfishness. We never stop and try and look at these issues through the eyes of the child. We're so busy arguing and bickering, so busy breaking crockery and marriage vows, that we don't stop and think about the scared little child over in the corner whose entire world is being torn apart. Maybe if we would think a little more about that child and a little less about ourselves, we wouldn't be so quick to pull the divorce trigger and shoot our wedding vows through the heart.? I was once one of those dads peering through the wire fence surrounding his son's school although I have never had an AVO personally. I was spotted and asked to move on. I explained who I was and that I just wanted to catch a glimpse of my little boy who I hadn't seen for many years. I was taken to the principal's office and after explaining the circumstances was told that I was listed to have no contact. It was many years ago but I remember it as yesterday. After breaking down in front of him, the principal took pity on me and let me peer through the blinds of his office. He had to point him out to me because I his father couldn' recognise my own son. I left quietly, humbly thanking him for his kindness and in tears. My boy grew up not knowing his dad and now I am still peering through the fence unable to break through, only now it's not wire, its heroin addiction. Whilst our children need protection against any form of violence we must be ever vigilant of the use of our children as pawns between warring parents and come to terms with the reality that fatherlessness is destroying Australian society today. Tony Miller Founder/Director dads in distress inc www.dadsindistress.asn.au DIDS HELPLINE 1300 853437 back to top Special Feature Lazy Kids need Chores by Michael Carr-Gregg Herald Sun January 04 'HE'S a lazy little sod. I can't get him to lift a finger around the house." The mother sitting opposite me in my consulting room sighed with exasperation and proceeded to tell me how much ironing, washing, and vacuuming she did, not to mention how much cleaning up after her son. She had tried duty rosters stuck on fridge doors, bribery including cash and scratchies, various forms of punishment, and screaming and yelling. She admitted she had briefly considered various forms of torture, but had given up and now did it all herself. She said her life had become little more than a carp-fest. This mother is not alone. She's become a victim of the "slothful child syndrome". This is a phenomenon sweeping the Western world. A University of Maryland study in 2002 showed SCS has been increasing. The average 12-to-17-year-old was doing six hours of housework a week in 1985, four hours in 1995, and only a measly two hours a week in 2002. Even if you factor in that kids today have a busier schedule - sports, clubs, after-school activities, jobs and homework - it remains an extremely frustrating state of affairs for mums and dads across Australia. But the good news is that there is a solution. Getting children to tear themselves away from the carnage at the cricket and help around the house these holidays is easier if you apply a smidgen of basic child psychology. It's all about starting early. It is a psychological fact of life that toddlers simply love helping parents around the house. It makes them feel important and useful and allows them to be around adults, whom they will copy. Many will regard these activities as a game and they will derive enormous satisfaction from the verbal reinforcement from a parent as they do it. The trick is to start them off on little chores around the house and garden. Though many have only the fine motor skills of an elephant on Mogadon and will create more mess than they clean up, as they grow older you will have established a routine. The jobs they are given become increasingly helpful. These children willingly help their parents, not just because of the praise they get for doing the work but because it creates a feeling of belonging and of their being valued as members of the family. Child psychologists argue that even basic household chores not only enhance their feelings of pride but offer children multiple opportunities for positive interactions with parents. The parent wringing her hands in frustration in my room had made a big error. She had not given her son any responsible jobs when he was young, so he never felt the need to make any contribution to the smooth running of the household. She'd left it too late, and now her son lived in a culture of entitlement. Doing household jobs teaches children responsibility, lets them know that no one is the family servant, infuses in them a love of order, and teaches them essential life skills. One day this woman's child will be on his own and there will be no one to do the laundry and scrub the toilet. Giving children jobs spreads the housework load and stops it falling on exhausted parents. Many parents have failed to create a spirit of co-operation and mutual respect, and find it's time for a new approach. So, abandon whatever you have been doing. It doesn't work, and if you keep doing the same thing in the same way you will always get the same result. Lose the Rambo attitude, sarcasm, character assassination and ultimatums. Threats are the most common and least effective tactic used by parents. They automatically trigger defensiveness and a power struggle. Start by drawing up a list of regular, age-appropriate jobs, ensuring the chores are fair and evenly distributed. Ensure there is a regular time and day agreed upon when chores must be done. I recommend a three-step process: - Show the child how to do the task; - Do the task with them the first few times; - Let them do it on their own and praise them when they do a good job. Don't nag or shout and don't go into broken-record mode. One or two reminders are sufficient. Try this: "When in the next 30 minutes would you like to feed the dog, set the table, put away your laundry?" If they don't do something after having been asked once or twice, take away privileges. On the second request, say in a calm voice: "If you don't do it now, computer privileges are gone for the day." Some families allow their kids to play their favourite music, loud and throughout the house, while the vacuuming is done. Finally, the issue of money. Some parents pay their children for work around the house, but I think this is suicidal. It is wiser to keep jobs around the house separate from pocket money. Offering financial remuneration for them to do chores sets up a dynamic where the child is no longer helping around the house as part of belonging to the family. Instead, they learn to see it as a financial transaction. This can lead to industrial action, and you'll find yourself in drawn-out collective bargaining in which they argue that the money isn't worth it. Remember, there is no arbitration commission to help you out. The idea of a working childhood is one we need to embrace by allowing childhood to flow seamlessly into adult life. DR Michael Carr-Gregg is a consultant adolescent psychologist at the Albert Road Centre for Health. back to top Thought of the Week My Dad and I hunted and fished together. How could I get angry at this man who took the time to be with me. James Dobson back to top All You Need is Love PREPARING FOR A MARRIAGE THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME Book Review/MCT News Service 'I Promise You: Preparing for a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime' Publisher: Revell/2006 December 26, 2006 More couples file for divorce in January than any other month. That's something to keep in mind during the stressful holiday season, writes marriage counsellor Willard F. Harley Jr. This guide for engaged couples presents four concepts that are critical to a healthy marriage: care, protection, honesty and time. Master these and you won't need Harley's other book, "Surviving an Affair." Five things we learned: 1. A love bank is an emotional tally of how people treat us. Good experiences deposit love units. Bad experiences withdraw units, leading to hate. 2. "If a man assumes that his wife's most important emotional needs are similar to his, he will fail miserably when he tries to meet them. A woman will fail if she makes the same assumption." 3. Spouses should create lists of their partners' habits they find annoying, then discuss this list and work toward replacing such behaviours with non-annoying habits. 4. Negotiations are key to any relationship. "If you can't come to the negotiating table with a smile on your face, then pick another time when you are in a better mood." 5. The engagement is the perfect time to practice complete honesty. "If you hide anything now, you are likely to hide much more later." back to top News & Info Parents should do a course in preparing Kids for the real world Read more: http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21014273-2,00.html ________________________________________________________ Men are worse off after a divorce January 1, 2007 Los Angeles Times, letters section Re "Old story: Women may have it worse," Dec. 28 Your article suggesting that men do better than women after divorce failed to mention any evidence to the contrary. Yet the most comprehensive study ever done on the topic, publicized in the book "Divorced Dads" by Arizona State University professor Sanford Braver, found that when we consider a comprehensive set of factors, including net worth and other variables, men actually do much worse than women after divorce, on average, and that this disparity increases over time. In fact, after divorce, men's suicide rate skyrockets while women's remains steady, and surveys show that women are far happier with divorce decrees than men. That's not surprising, given how courts frequently strip men of parental rights and turn them into visitors. At a minimum, why didn't your article mention contrary views and evidence on this hotly debated issue? MARC ANGELUCCI, president of the Los Angeles chapter of the National Coalition of Free Men * * * * * * * * * * * Letters Dear Fatherhood Foundation Hi. Thank you again for keeping me in the loop. I cannot help but agree with the sentiments expressed in Simon's letter. Especially the fact that the expenses involved hide the real issues in 'resolving' consent orders. This applies to women who at times find themselves in situations that men usually find themselves. So it does apply to women as well - although the numbers are much smaller so it would nice to get some cooperation between the sexes wishing you all the best for the coming year in all your ventures both personal and public. Regards Jim * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Fatherhood Foundation I find one of your adverts on TV at the moment not a very good example of what a father should be teaching his children. The father drinks a can of coke and then burps loudly, his small son also takes a drink from his glass and copies the father by burping. I try to teach my son manners and don't think this father is showing a very good example to his son. Not a clever ad. Regards Roger back to top Dad's Prayer Dear God Help me embrace the initiation you provide, so that I can pass the lessons I learn to those I love and even those I don't. Help me see your hand of love In every wound I receive, because as AW Tozer says: 'I am persuaded that every man that God want to use greatly, He must first hurt deeply'. I just wish this wasn't true. back to top Help Us Click here for more information about us Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility: Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund (Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility) Westpac Branch Wollongong BSB: 032 695 A/C: 25-5558 Or mail cheque and address details to: PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997. You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading. back to top Click Here to Unsubscribe ------=_NextPart_000_825C_01C73264.455C6530 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Fatherhood Foundation
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Issue 228 - 1st January, 2007 Go to our website Here


Hello Alison

 The fact that manhood is a journey is not a new concept. Ancient civilisations recognised initiation and the various stages of the masculine journey for many thousands of years.  It would seem that western society suffered from a serious attack of selective amnesia during the latter part of the 20th century. Perhaps this was due to the obsession with the women's liberation movement. Perhaps it was due to our innate male passivity. The answer to the question is unclear but the good news is that the times are a-changing.

 

Over the last few decades several writers have tackled this very important subject to bring it back into the public mindset. Patrick Arnold,'Wildmen,Warriors and Kings' (c) 1991 takes a good look at male spirituality. Also in 1991 Robert Moore wrote 'King, Warrior, Magician, Lover - Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine'. In 1990 Robert Bly published 'Iron John' which was a bestselling book about men and masculinity and became a reference point for the rapidly growing men's movement of the 90s. In 1993 Robert Hicks published 'The Masculine Journey - understanding the six stages of the masculine journey'. This book was widely promoted by the Promise Keepers in the USA. Hicks looks at the ancient Hebrew t ranslation of the word 'man'. He comes up with six key stages: the Creational Male - adam, the Phallic Male - zakar, the Warrior - gibbon, the Wounded Male - enosh, the Mature Male - ish and the Sage - zakem.

 

Only a few months ago John Eldridge released a sequel to his international bestseller, Wild at Heart, called 'The Way of the Wild Heart'. The liner notes tell the story well:

 

This is a book about how a boy - and a man - becomes a man. We live in a time where most men (and boys) are essentially fatherless. Whatever their circumstance, they have no man actually taking them through the many adventures, trials, battles and experiences they need to shape a masculine heart within them. They find themselves on their own to figure life out, and that is a lonely place to be. Their fears, anger, boredom, and their many addictions, all come out of this fatherless place within them, a fundamental uncertainty in the core of their being.

 

Let me share a couple of thoughts from this book with you so you can get your own picture. John Eldredge says:

 

'A boys heart is wounded in many ways. He is wounded when he does not live in a world made safe by his father, when he is not free to explore and dare and simply be a boy, when he is forced to grow up too soon. He is wounded when he does have that world, but it ends with a sudden loss of innocence. And most espectially, a boy is wounded to the core when he does not know that he is the Beloved Son. Sometimes the wounding is intentional, oftentimes it is not, but this is the story of many a boy, and many a man reading this book, living in the world we have, so far from the Garden . . .

 

There's an old African proverb that goes like this: "I hear, I forget. I see, I remember. I do, I understand." How true this is when it comes to masculine initiation. Men, and boys, learn by doing; we learn through experience. This is no doubt true for women as well, but I can vouch that it is essential and irreplaceable for men and boys. It's one thing to be told you have what it takes. It's another thing altogether to discover that you do, through some trial brought up in an adventure, or through some test that hard work demands. The experience is both a revelation and a kind of authoring, in that it reveals to you what you are made of and writes the lesson on your heart.

 

For masculine initiation is not a spectator sport. It is something that must be entered into. It is one part instruction and nine parts experience.'

 

I would have to say that 'The way of the Wild Heart' is one of the most profound books I have ever read. It becomes deeper still towards the end as the book deals with the final stages of the growth of a man's heart. John Eldredge's new book 'The Way of the Wild Heart' will become a source of healing for many.

 

Lovework

 

Read a good book. Once we stop learning we start dying. If we expect our children to learn from us, we must be prepared to learn from others. Reading good books is a great way to learn. A great man once said 'ask, seek, knock'. Learning is knowing and knowing is growing. Let us become the change we seek.

 

Yours for the wild at heart

Warwick Marsh

 

 ___________________________________________________________


Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 31 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 25 years to 14 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

back to top

Grandads

 

Stand at the crossroad and look;

ask for the ancient paths,

ask where the good way is,

and walk in it,

and you will find rest for your souls.

 

Jeremiah 6:16 NIV

back to top

Laughter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.

 

One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

 

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn ....."

 

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."

 

back to top

Single Dads

 

Don't diss dad, its not always the case

Newcastle Herald 4th Jan 07 p9

By Tony Miller

 

AVO's and false allegations are often the first tool used by warring parties in the early days of divorce or separation to secure custody of children or to exclude contact (parenting time), or punish one parent for the failure of the relationship. Once an AVO has been issued (most often against the male), it makes it extremely difficult and complex when it comes to obtaining time with their children.

 

In the past the AVO system has been abused and the concern now is with the new reforms to the Family Law System that AVO's will be used to circumvent any chance of dispute resolution through the new Family Relationship Centres and force people back into the Court System.

 

The new law states expressly that protecting children from the risk of violence is a primary principle (along with the right of children to know both parents) when a court is considering the children's best interests. Family violence and child abuse cannot and should not be tolerated under any circumstance.

 

In the new system there is now provision where if the court is satisfied that a party has knowingly made a false allegation or a false denial in the proceedings, the court must order that party to pay some or all of the costs to the other party. This enables the court to address concerns about false allegations and denials (including those about violence or abuse) made in family law cases.

 

'dads in distress', a support group for men experiencing the trauma of divorce, separation or relationship breakdown, abhor violence in any form. The group see's between 400-500 men weekly through their group meetings nationally. The group applauds the Governments new reforms but is tentative regards its success as far as the AVO system is concerned. It's early days and we are yet to see any substantial change.

 

Through a recent study of our group operations in Victoria we can claim a 100% success rate of men who had AVO's against them prior to attending those 'dids' meetings and who have now not re-offended.

 

At 'dads in distress' we realise there are some dads that shouldn't have been and believe it or not there are also some mothers that shouldn't have been. The sad reality is what divorce or separation does to our children. In his book 'Twice Adopted' the author Michael Reagan (past President Ronald Reagan's son) describes poignantly how divorce hurts kids;

 

'Divorce is where two adults take everything that matters to a child-the child's home, family, security, and sense of being loved and protected-and they smash it all up, leave it in ruins on the floor, then walk out and leave the child to clean up the mess.

 

Why? Because we adults always look at things like divorce and remarriage through adult eyes-through the eyes of our grown up selfishness. We never stop and try and look at these issues through the eyes of the child.

 

We're so busy arguing and bickering, so busy breaking crockery and marriage vows, that we don't stop and think about the scared little child over in the corner whose entire world is being torn apart.

 

Maybe if we would think a little more about that child and a little less about ourselves, we wouldn't be so quick to pull the divorce trigger and shoot our wedding vows through the heart.?

 

I was once one of those dads peering through the wire fence surrounding his son's school although I have never had an AVO personally. I was spotted and asked to move on. I explained who I was and that I just wanted to catch a glimpse of my little boy who I hadn't seen for many years. I was taken to the principal's office and after explaining the circumstances was told that I was listed to have no contact. It was many years ago but I remember it as yesterday.

 

After breaking down in front of him, the principal took pity on me and let me peer through the blinds of his office. He had to point him out to me because I his father couldn' recognise my own son. I left quietly, humbly thanking him for his kindness and in tears.

 

My boy grew up not knowing his dad and now I am still peering through the fence unable to break through, only now it's not wire, its heroin addiction.

 

Whilst our children need protection against any form of violence we must be ever vigilant of the use of our children as pawns between warring parents and come to terms with the reality that fatherlessness is destroying Australian society today.

 

 

Tony Miller Founder/Director dads in distress inc  www.dadsindistress.asn.au  

 

DIDS HELPLINE 1300 853437

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Special Feature

Lazy Kids need Chores

by Michael Carr-Gregg  Herald Sun

January 04

 

'HE'S a lazy little sod. I can't get him to lift a finger around the house."

The mother sitting opposite me in my consulting room sighed with exasperation and proceeded to tell me how much ironing, washing, and vacuuming she did, not to mention how much cleaning up after her son.
She had tried duty rosters stuck on fridge doors, bribery including cash and scratchies, various forms of punishment, and screaming and yelling.
She admitted she had briefly considered various forms of torture, but had given up and now did it all herself.
She said her life had become little more than a carp-fest.
This mother is not alone. She's become a victim of the "slothful child syndrome".
This is a phenomenon sweeping the Western world.
A University of Ma ryland study in 2002 showed SCS has been increasing.
The average 12-to-17-year-old was doing six hours of housework a week in 1985, four hours in 1995, and only a measly two hours a week in 2002.

Even if you factor in that kids today have a busier schedule - sports, clubs, after-school activities, jobs and homework - it remains an extremely frustrating state of affairs for mums and dads across Australia.

But the good news is that there is a solution. Getting children to tear themselves away from the carnage at the cricket and help around the house these holidays is easier if you apply a smidgen of basic child psychology.

It's all about starting early.

It is a psychological fact of life that toddlers simply love helping parents around the house. It makes them feel important and useful and allows them to be around adults, whom they will copy.
Many will regard these activities as a game and they will derive eno rmous satisfaction from the verbal reinforcement from a parent as they do it.
The trick is to start them off on little chores around the house and garden.
Though many have only the fine motor skills of an elephant on Mogadon and will create more mess than they clean up, as they grow older you will have established a routine.
The jobs they are given become increasingly helpful.
These children willingly help their parents, not just because of the praise they get for doing the work but because it creates a feeling of belonging and of their being valued as members of the family.

Child psychologists argue that even basic household chores not only enhance their feelings of pride but offer children multiple opportunities for positive interactions with parents.
The parent wringing her hands in frustration in my room had made a big error.
She had not given her son any responsible jobs when he was young, so he never felt the need to make any contributio n to the smooth running of the household.
She'd left it too late, and now her son lived in a culture of entitlement.

Doing household jobs teaches children responsibility, lets them know that no one is the family servant, infuses in them a love of order, and teaches them essential life skills.
One day this woman's child will be on his own and there will be no one to do the laundry and scrub the toilet.

Giving children jobs spreads the housework load and stops it falling on exhausted parents.
Many parents have failed to create a spirit of co-operation and mutual respect, and find it's time for a new approach.
So, abandon whatever you have been doing. It doesn't work, and if you keep doing the same thing in the same way you will always get the same result.
Lose the Rambo attitude, sarcasm, character assassination and ultimatums.
Threats are the most common and least effective tactic used by parents.
They automatically trigger defensiv eness and a power struggle.
Start by drawing up a list of regular, age-appropriate jobs, ensuring the chores are fair and evenly distributed.
Ensure there is a regular time and day agreed upon when chores must be done.

I recommend a three-step process:

 - Show the child how to do the task;

- Do the task with them the first few times;

- Let them do it on their own and praise them when they do a good job.

Don't nag or shout and don't go into broken-record mode. One or two reminders are sufficient.
Try this: "When in the next 30 minutes would you like to feed the dog, set the table, put away your laundry?"

If they don't do something after having been asked once or twice, take away privileges.

On the second request, say in a calm voice: "If you don't do it now, computer privileges are gone for the day."

Some families allow their kids to play their favourite music, loud and throughout the h ouse, while the vacuuming is done.

Finally, the issue of money. Some parents pay their children for work around the house, but I think this is suicidal.
It is wiser to keep jobs around the house separate from pocket money.
Offering financial remuneration for them to do chores sets up a dynamic where the child is no longer helping around the house as part of belonging to the family.
Instead, they learn to see it as a financial transaction.
This can lead to industrial action, and you'll find yourself in drawn-out collective bargaining in which they argue that the money isn't worth it.

Remember, there is no arbitration commission to help you out.

The idea of a working childhood is one we need to embrace by allowing childhood to flow seamlessly into adult life.

DR Michael Carr-Gregg is a consultant adolescent psychologist at the Albert Road Centre for Health.

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Thought of the Week

 

My Dad and I hunted and fished together.

How could I get angry at this man

who took the time to be with me.

 

James Dobson

 

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All You Need is Love

 

PREPARING FOR A MARRIAGE THAT WILL LAST A LIFETIME

Book Review/MCT News Service

'I Promise You: Preparing for a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime'

Publisher: Revell/2006

December 26, 2006

 

More couples file for divorce in January than any other month. That's something to keep in mind during the stressful holiday season, writes marriage counsellor Willard F. Harley Jr.

 

This guide for engaged couples presents four concepts that are critical to a healthy marriage: care, protection, honesty and time.

 

Master these and you won't need Harley's other book, "Surviving an Affair."

 

Five things we learned:

 

1. A love bank is an emotional tally of how people treat us. Good

experiences deposit love units. Bad experiences withdraw units, leading to hate.

 

2. "If a man assumes that his wife's most important emotional needs are similar to his, he will fail miserably when he tries to meet them. A woman will fail if she makes the same assumption."

 

3. Spouses should create lists of their partners' habits they find annoying, then discuss this list and work toward replacing such behaviours with non-annoying habits.

 

4. Negotiations are key to any relationship. "If you can't come to the negotiating table with a smile on your face, then pick another time when you are in a better mood."

 

5. The engagement is the perfect time to practice complete honesty. "If you hide anything now, you are likely to hide much more later."

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News & Info

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Parents should do a course in preparing Kids for the real world

Read more:

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21014273-2,00.html

________________________________________________________

Men are worse off after a divorce

January 1, 2007

Los Angeles Times, letters section

 

Re "Old story: Women may have it worse," Dec. 28

 

Your article suggesting that men do better than women after divorce failed to mention any evidence to the contrary. Yet the most comprehensive study ever done on the topic, publicized in the book "Divorced Dads" by Arizona State University professor Sanford Braver, found that when we consider a comprehensive set of factors, including net worth and other variables, men actually do much worse than women after divorce, on average, and that this disparity increases over time.

 

In fact, after divorce, men's suicide rate skyrockets while women's 

remains steady, and surveys show that women are far happier with 

divorce decrees than men. That's not surprising, given how courts 

frequently strip men of parental rights and turn them into visitors.

 

At a minimum, why didn't your article mention contrary views and 

evidence on this hotly debated issue?

 

MARC ANGELUCCI, president of the Los Angeles chapter of the National 

Coalition of Free Men

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

 

Letters

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

Hi. Thank you again for keeping me in the loop.  I cannot help but agree with the sentiments expressed in Simon's letter.  Especially the fact that the expenses involved hide the real issues in 'resolving' consent orders.  This applies to women who at times find themselves in situations that men usually find themselves.  So it does apply to women as well - although the numbers are much smaller so it would nice to get some cooperation between the sexes wishing you all the best for the coming year in all your ventures both personal and public.

 

Regards

Jim

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

I find one of your adverts on TV at the moment not a very good example of what a father should be teaching his children.  The father drinks a can of coke and then burps loudly, his small son also takes a drink from his glass and copies the father by burping.

 

I try to teach my son manners and don't think this father is showing a very good example to his son.  Not a clever ad.

 

Regards Roger

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Dad's Prayer

 

 

Dear God

 

Help me embrace the initiation you provide,

so that I can pass the lessons I learn

to those I love and even those I don't.

Help me see your hand of love

In every wound I receive, 

because as AW Tozer says:

'I am persuaded that every man

that God want to use greatly,

He must first hurt deeply'.

I just wish this wasn't true.

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Help Us

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity.
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm.

The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence  in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility)
Westpac Branch Wollongong
BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558

Or mail cheque and address details to:
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund  is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.

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